Easy Pickings

bloody bedThey put the ad up on Craigslist.

It wasn’t done like this, not in the old days. It wasn’t always this easy.

Samantha and Valery posed in front of the camera topless, licked each others breasts, kissed flamboyantly and then picked the juiciest photo to put online.


“That ought to get their attention,” Samantha laughed.

“Are men really this stupid?” Valery asked.

“Do you even have to ask that?” Sam said.

Then she wrote the body of the message:

My lesbian lover and I are looking to have a child. Although we need a man to impregnate me, rather than going to some sperm bank, I want to have a baby the old fashioned way. I want a real man to come inside me. As long as you are cute, clean and full of cum, I want you to come fuck me and fill me up with your hot seed. My girlfriend will be there to watch but she will not participate, I will leave the door open and a trail of candles leading into my bedroom where I will be on the bed naked with my legs spread open, waiting for you. You can fuck me as long and as hard as you like but just pump me up full of your jizz, as much as you can until it is leaking down my legs. Then you can zip up and go, we don’t expect anything from you, I just want your sperm inside me.

“Do you think most men are really comfortable with that idea?” Valery asked, “Having sex with some anonymous woman who they have never met and just impregnating her?  It just seems so weird.”

Sam smiled crookedly, “You really don’t understand men, do you?”

“Well, there is a reason I’ve been eating pussy since I was fifteen,” Valery said.

Samantha posted the ad.

“So what now?” Valery said.

“We wait.”

Valery made them some tea, five minutes later, she asked, “So how long do you think until—“

“There are already sixty two replies,” Samantha said and started to open the emails.


The first email made Samantha laugh out loud.

It read:  College graduate here, very handsome, 5’8 175lbs, very muscular and as you can see, very well endowed. I cum loads!  I could fill you up with as many babies as you want, pump my seed and then get the heck outta dodge, no strings.  Hit me up baby.

In a photo, he looked like he was at a Dave Matthews concert and was throwing out a peace sign.

Samantha and Valery looked at each other, “Definitely.”

The second candidate was a frat guy from the local University.

I’m gonna fill you up with my baby spunk baby, dump my load in your hot pussy and you’ll be pregnant before you can cum. But after I cum, I leave, no strings, no drama. I just want to cum in your hole.

The third guy was 47 and looked like he lived in his mother’s basement.

I can’t wait to cum in your sweet tight pussy and fill you up with baby jism. My offspring will bring you joy and happiness, I come from a long line of attractive people.

He looked like Skeletor with AIDS.

They laughed, “For sure!”

When they were through, they picked seven men to come over that night and come over in half hour intervals.

“You ready for this?” Samantha said.

“You know it baby,” Valery said and kissed her on the lips.


The college graduate, Bobby Something, came over around seven. He was already stroking himself through his board shorts as he walked through the door.

“Hello?” he said.

“Back here, sweetie,” Samantha said, laying on the bed, nude with her legs spread open wide. A line of candles led back to the bedroom.

“See anything you like?” she said as he stood in the doorway.

She opened her vaginal lips with her fingers.

“OH FUCK YEAH,” he said and slipped off his shorts, exposing an overeager boner. He climbed on the bed and plunged in deep. Samantha cried out, “Oh yes, fuck me, baby. Fuck me sooo hard.”

He pounded away as Valery watched from the corner in the dark, videotaping everything in green light.

“Oh, your cock is soooo big, you are ripping my tight little pussy apart,” she said, stifling a laugh.

Valery put the camera up on the stand and grabbed the butcher knife.

Slowly she crept up behind Bobby Something and drove it into his skull. Blood squirted everywhere, the walls looked like modern art.

Then Valery pulled the knife from his skull turned him over and hacked off his cock. She raised it to her lips and bit into it.

Then she handed it to Samantha who took a taste.

Bobby was screaming and breathing hard, clinging to life.

“Oh shut up,” Valery said and started to hack away at his stomach.

“He really did have great abs,” Samantha said.

Valery pulled out his intenstines and used the blood as paint and started to draw the pentagram on the wall. They threw the corpse on the side of the bed. Amidst the blood soaked sheets, they kissed and Valery went down on her.

“Okay, we have to hurry!” Samantha said.

They stripped the bed, Valery dragged the corpse into the spare bedroom and locked the door. It was filled with air freshners. Samantha flipped over the mattress and then started to put on new sheets.

“Don’t worry about it!” Valery said, “Hop in the shower and wash off before number 2 gets here.”

Five minutes later, Frat boy arrived.

He didn’t even put up a front, as soon as he stepped inside, he started to undress.

“Where’s that pussy, baby?” he said.

“Down here,” Samantha said.  Like it said in the goddamn email, she thought, walk down the fucking hall.

Frat boy was well endowed, it looked like a beer can between his legs.

“What’s that on the wall?” he said, noticing the blood pentagram in the dark, “I ain’t into no voodoo shit.”

Valery came up behind him and stuck the butcher knife in his skull, then she chopped off his penis and added it to the pile on the side of the bed. Some were so rotten and old, they looked like old fruit.

“Fuck, this is going to get annoying!” Samantha said, “I have to shower every time and change the sheets. The blood is gonna leak through no matter how many times I turn the mattress.”

“Then I will kill them as soon as they walk in the fucking door!” Valery said.

“Is this the only way?”

“This is the way it has always been done. Shiva requires seven male sacrifices for the portal to be opened.”

Valery smeared more blood on the wall.

“Only five more to go.”

It wasn’t always done like this, especially not in the old days. You usually had to get them drunk and hold a big bonfire in the woods for a black mass. The sacrifices one had to make to live for over four hundred years, Samantha thought.

Using the internet for human sacrifices wasn’t ideal but it was far more convenient.

By Daniel Gonzales
Editor, Surreal Grotesque

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